


If I Wasn't a Ninja

by ClockRepair



Category: Naruto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:33:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23655397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClockRepair/pseuds/ClockRepair
Summary: In the off chance that the Rookie 9 chose not to become ninjas, they always had other jobs to fall back on. Like a Buddhist Monk, a gym teacher and...a pop sensation?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	If I Wasn't a Ninja

**Author's Note:**

> Previously posted on ff.net. I am moving my favourite stories onto AO3. Any changes to old stories are minor and will not impact the overall story. Mostly fixing up grammar and spelling, breaking up run-on sentences, and changing anything that I thought was weird. Some stories were written about ten years a go.

“I know everyone has been working hard to accomplish their goal of becoming a shinobi,” Iruka paused to eyeball a girl in the back who was touching up her make-up. What eleven-year-old needed make-up anyway? “But the reality of it is that not all of you will.”

His statement made the students quiet down and Iruka smiled to himself. He never knew how a class of preteens could be so mature.

He opened his mouth to finish the rest of his announcement when his thoughts were proven wrong as a loud shriek of “ _WHAATT?!”_ from every one of his students nearly busted his ear drums. Afterwards, what his students were shouting out at once was chaotic. He couldn’t even distinguish a single voice.

“If there wasn’t a chance that I was going to be a ninja, why not tell me beforehand instead of wasting my time?”

“But I worked so hard for nothing!”

“What am I going to tell my parents?”

“This is such bull crap!”

“I’m not worried! I’m going to Hokage, dattebayo!”

Well, there was Naruto…You could hear him no matter how much you tried to tune him out.

A habit that he picked up when nervous, Iruka started fidgeting with his forehead protector. He couldn’t blame them for their animosity. He was basically killing any hope they had at their dream job.

“I say we tie up the teacher and rebel!”

But there was such a thing as respect.

“ _SETTLE DOWN!”_

And settle down they did.

“I’m sorry everyone but this is the truth. Certain people just aren’t able to grasp the basics of shinobi skills and even if you do, once you graduate, some of you will find the way of the ninja to be too stressful. You’re learning things in a classroom right now, a safe environment that is supervised. But what will happen once you get into the real world? Staring death in the face almost every time you leave the village isn’t the career for everyone.

Kiba snorted. “Yeah, and with the dweeb over here he’ll probably sick one of his half dead clones after the enemy and run away!” he said, jabbing his thumb towards Naruto.

Some people began to snicker, except Hinata who was sending the blond sympathetic looks.

“Why you - !” Naruto was about to spit back some lame comment, but Iruka shut both boys up when he threw a box of tissues so hard at the Inuzuka’s head that he went flying. Iruka was not going to pause again to stop some immature argument. They were wasting too much time.

“Upon the chance that you choose not to become ninjas, the higher ups have designed a test that will give you a job that is better suited to your capabilities and needs.”

He started walking around handing out thick packages of papers with multiple-choice questions to the class, ignoring the complaints and irritated mutters.

“The jobs you’ll receive aren’t assigned careers but suggestions to be put under consideration. Now I don’t want to hear a single word out of anyone. Remember kids, this is only a what-if situation. I’m sure many of you will become fine ninjas. Now pick up your pencils and start writing! I don’t want to hear a single word out of anyone.”

Sasuke sat in his seat as smug as ever, smirking at his fellow classmates who were given the thick packages. There was absolutely no way he’d be taking some stupid standardized test. They were all hopeless idiots who didn’t have a shot of becoming a shinobi while he was The Number One Rookie. He had the top grades, he always did, and his jutsus were near perfection. _There was just no way._

So when Iruka dropped the package onto his desk, Sasuke was completely disgusted that he was forced to take a test that was obviously belittling his abilities.

He looked up in plain disbelief to meet the grin of his teacher. “Don’t waste your time staring, Mr. Uchiha! Everyonehas to take it!”

* * *

The results were back and everyone was anxious about how they did. Iruka left early claiming he was feeling ill and requested that Gai-sensei substituted for him. No one would dare to scream at the Green Beast. He was just too positive, too enthusiastic, too passionate, too…insane.

Gai had the results in his arms but didn’t distribute them right away. He wanted to give what he was hoping to be an aspiring speech of youthful encouragement but the only person who showed even an iota of interest was Hinata. She didn’t want to be a failure in the eyes of her father. As a Main House member and the Hyuuga heir, being a ninja was _everything_ and the speech was giving her some pep. The tension was horrible and was only broken when Gai handed the test results back and the students of The Academy read them out loud.

“I’m going to be a lumberjack?”

“Lifeguard? I can’t even swim!”

“Pokémon Master? What the heck is that?”

“Blackjack dealer? Cool! I get to work with money!”

“Don’t be so happy with yourself since you can’t even count past ten without taking your shoes off.”

When Gai finally handed Sakura her test results, she was so nervous opening up the envelope that she didn’t see Ino walking in her direction doing the same thing. Both girls came crashing into each other, sending their papers flying.

“Ow! Stupid Ino-pig, watch where you’re going!” cried Sakura, straightening out her dress with one hand and reaching for her paper with the other.

The reply she’d receive from the blond was an automatic, “Shut up, Billboard Brow!” as she reached over for her own paper. “If your eyes was as big as your forehead maybe you could have seen that I was walking by!”

Sakura and Ino started to walk away in opposite directions, obviously worried about something other than throwing insults and arguing over Sasuke for once, when they looked down at their results and saw that they had each other’s instead.

Sakura burst out laughing. “You’re going to be a florist? Looks like your fate has been sealed, Ino-pig! You’ll be working in your family flower shop until the day you die.”

Ino was annoyed with her pink-haired rival but decided to play it cool. She calmly turned the paper over so Sakura could read the results on her own. At the bottom of the page in big, bold letters read: BUDDHIST MONK.

Ino almost laughed herself when Sakura’s jaw nearly hit the floor.

“Well at least I won’t be engrossing myself with nature and spirits. I hope that orange robe doesn’t clash with your pink hair but, oh wait – I forgot! You won’t have any! See if Sasuke or any guy will be willing to give you the time of day.”

Sakura’s cheeks flushed pink as she imagined herself bald and wearing more orange than Naruto. Buddhist Monk Sakura appeared very calm and enlightened in her thought bubble but was severely lacking a man.

“Well at least I’ll be providing a service to the community! How useful are you selling flowers that I can get from my own garden?”

“As if the village needs a violent monk like you! They’re supposed to be passive while you’ll end up punching someone through a wall!”

The two kunoichiwere so focused on bickering with one another that they firmly ignored the reminders from classmates that the results weren’t set in stone. They were only suggestions.

Three rows away, Chouji turned his attention from Sakura and Ino back to his best friend, Shikamaru.

“Do you want to open our envelopes together or do you think we’ll end up like them?”

Shikamaru cracked open one eye to see the two girls pretending to make up when Gai started to lecture them about the hardships of maintaining a friendship. The Jounin walked away with satisfaction, which meant he skipped off merrily into a scenery of a sunset while crying tears of joy, when he thought he stopped the “blossoming flowers of Konoha’s youth” from fighting. What he didn’t notice was that they flipped each other the bird before walking to opposite sides of the room.

“Don’t even compare us to them. God, if I ever have to work with either one of them, I’ll leave the village.”

“I don’t think you will,” said Chouji through a mouth full of chips. “That’s too much effort and you know how lazy you can be.”

“Tch. Whatever. Let’s just get this over with.”

When they opened up their envelopes and read the contents inside, Chouji stopped mid-chew and Shikamaru found himself surprisingly awake. Both boys sat in their seats in silence.

Chouji recovered first, swallowing the mouthful of half-chewed chips. “Damn…maybe I should have given a lower rating on that question asking ‘Do you like physical activity?’ It says I’m going to be a gym teacher.”

“According to this test I’m destined to be a school chef. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that ‘children were the future.’”

“Why did you say that?”

“What else am I supposed to say? All children should be wiped out?”

“No, but you didn’t have to sound like you stole the answer from a beauty pageant contestant,” Chouji snorted at his own joke until his gaze drifted back onto the sheet before him. Things weren’t as funny anymore. “So…you’re feeding kids while I’m getting them back in shape?”

“Apparently so,” said Shikamaru, scratching his head in frustration. “God, this is so –!”

“Troublesome?” finished Chouji.

“No,” he said, surprising his friend. “I was going to say fucked up.”

Before the hate/love relationship of Naruto and Sasuke, there was a complicated bromance between Naruto and Kiba. It was expected that they say some snide remark about one another’s test result but it was quite the opposite. The two boys were standing in the corner, whispering to each other and looking equally confused. Or was it embarrassment? Most likely a mixture of the two.

“The both of us?”

“I can’t believe this.”

“Do you think it was coincidence or someone playing a joke?”

“I don’t know…”

“This is too weird, man.”

“What is my family going to think? If I’m not a ninja, I’m going to be a –!”

“Don’t say it! I refuse to acknowledge it!”

“Naruto, do you think anyone is also a…you know?”

“I hope not.”

Naruto and Kiba tensed up when they felt the watchful eyes of Shino as he approached them. They quickly concealed their test results, Kiba stuffing it down the back of his pants while Naruto actually began to eat his.

“S-Shino! What’s up?” asked Kiba, backing up so his behind was touching the wall.

“Vraht bwings nou hur?” (What brings you here?) Asked Naruto, trying his best to chew but the paper and ink had a bitter taste that didn’t sit well with his palate.

“Nothing really. You guys just seemed really…jumpy.”

Shino’s eyebrows were raised ever so slightly as he witnessed Naruto consume his test result with one forceful (and painful) gulp.

Meanwhile, Hinata was feeling more nervous than usual with her cousin’s teacher watching her open her envelope. As the last student to retrieve hers, Gai felt obligated to focus his attention in case she needed his support like Sakura and Ino and all of the other overwhelmed kids.

Hinata looked over to Gai who gave her two flaming thumbs up and an encouraging cry of, “Yosh! You can do it, Hinata!”

She breathed in as she pulled out the paper slowly making Gai shake from suspense.

Hinata quickly breathed out again when she looked up at the Jounin and asked, “What’s a mime?”

Gai instantly executed a beautiful thinker pose accompanied by his patented smile. “If my memory serves me right, a mime is an artistic performer who over gestures and acts out scenes without the use of speech. They are normally used for comedic purposes but are now seen as a stereotype in the French culture as they don black and white striped clothing, a beret and pale, white make-up.”

_They don’t talk and are pale white,_ thought Hinata sadly. _Looks like they found the perfect job for me…_

Gai’s blinding smile faltered when he saw Hinata’s watering lavender eyes. Like most men, he didn’t know how to handle a crying female. He dealt with Tenten on a daily basis but she was tough. And wasn’t this girl related to Neji? Well, that was hardly fair; Neji was so monotone Gai questioned whether he was actually human.

“Don’t cry, my beautiful flower! Follow me and I’ll show you how cool it can be to perform!” exclaimed the spandex clad man who started to over gesture and act like he was being trapped in a box. “Basque in the beauty that is your effort and artistic vision!”

He would be a pretty awesome mime if he didn’t speak so much.

Gai’s overzealous performance stopped Hinata from crying and she tried her best to mimick the (crazy) older man’s movements but she just felt silly. Feeling her insecurity, Ino kindly took her by the shoulders and steered the Hyuuga heiress into the bathroom so they could have a heartfelt chat, leaving Gai crumpled on the ground, crying into the sleeve of his arm. His wails sounded oddly muffled as if he was trapped inside his imaginary box.

Sasuke ignored his pathetic classmate’s cries of despair to glare at his test results. They were still in the envelope and he refused to look at them. Like he was going to be anything other than a ninja! How else was he supposed to avenge his clan? Like there was a chance in hell that he could kill his brother if he was something ridiculous like a – like a – a…

He was at a loss for words when he tried to think of a dumb occupation so he ripped open the envelope to use the suggested job they’d given him as an example (and not because he was actually pretty damn curious).

When he did, Sasuke was ready to throttle someone.

The person who looked over his test; that sick, twisted, cold-heart bastard didn’t give him a job that was even remotely useful. Like a mob boss or gun shop owner, which were two highly respectable jobs in the young Uchiha’s eyes. Oh no, that sick, twisted, cold-hearted bastard gave out the option that Sasuke pursue a music career as a member of a boy band.

More specifically, the “Bad Boy” of a boy band.

When Shino stepped aside to let a crowd of panicking kids pass, he was surprised to see Sasuke Uchiha in a state of shock with his eyes open wide and mouth hanging ajar. The bug keeper looked over the boy’s shoulder and took a quick glimpse of his paper before he fully understood.

“I was wondering who the Bad Boy would be. It’s quite befitting if you ask me. You almost never say anything so there’s an air of mystery surrounding you and girls adore you. Evidently, they also adore Bad Boys,” Shino said calmly. It seemed like he had no problem with pissing off one of the angriest boys in the village with his truthful but unneeded logic.

Sasuke sent Shino a glare but couldn’t tell if the boy was intimidated or not with half his face concealed. “Are you just telling me this because you want an early death, Aburame?”

“No, of course not, I’m here to empathize. I was dubbed as the “Sensitive One” in a boy band. I think my result was due to the question asking about my musical tastes.”

Sasuke went into a stupefied state, momentarily pondering what exactly Shino’s taste in music was and how he was sensitive.

“I had the opportunity to speak to Naruto and Kiba earlier and they’re part of our little group as well. Kiba is the “Gangster Rapper” while Naruto is the “Spunky Leader.’” Sasuke’s face twisted into a look of horror upon hearing the news. Nevertheless, Shino dismissed the reaction and just kept voicing his opinion. “Now that I think about it, it suits their characters well. Naruto certainly can carry a group with the amount of personality at his disposal, and Kiba…has that furry coat. It vaguely resembles something a gangster would wear, right? And if anyone was to spontaneously burst into a rap verse, it would surely be him.”

The way Shino put in so much careful consideration about the results of their tests disturbed Sasuke to no end. Their results had to be coincidental, right? There was no way all four of them got individual roles in a band because someone planned it. And as much as he hated to admit it, Shino’s opinions actually seemed logical.

But something was off about the group dynamic. Didn’t boy band usually have five members? And wasn’t the fifth member the most important member besides the leader?

With caution – he couldn’t have the bug boy think he cared – Sasuke brought this up with the Aburame. The way the bug keeper reacted was the equivalent of man finding fire.

“You’re right; we don’t have the “Pretty Boy!” The Pretty Boy is essential to the group if we want a good brunt of the female population to have interest in the band!”

Sasuke’s brain stopped functioning after he heard Shino utter the word we.

“There is no way that I’m going to be in some group with the mutt, the dobe and _you_ just so I can run around and sing pop songs to insecure teenage girls!” Sasuke spoke through clenched teeth.

Shino just stared at Sasuke with a look of indifference, quite a different expression from the one he was sporting before. “I’m merely speaking in a hypothetical sense, Uchiha. It’s nothing to get so worked up about. I was just trying to make an awkward situation humorous.”

Looking at Shino, Sasuke decided that he really hated the Aburame’s warped sense of humour.

Trying to gather the remainder of his dignity, Sasuke gave Shino one last glare before stalking out of the room. Shino snickered uncharacteristically to himself before following the fuming Uchiha screaming things like, “Wait! What’s going to be the name of our band? When’s rehearsal? Don’t ignore me, I’m the _Sensitive One_!”

With all of the madness that was going on with students screaming, having panic attacks and leaving the classroom without permission, Gai was still stuck in his imaginary box sobbing.

**Author's Note:**

> Weird little one-shot that was written years a go. Inspired by old episodes of teen shows where they take these kind of tests, and the video Pop Song by Jon Lajoie. Go watch it.


End file.
